The Baron's Vanity

Words: Baroness Arwyn Antarae
Tune: Golden Vanity
Source: Tales of Baron Stephen Ironhand
MIDI file

Once there was a group, and they hosted Crown Touney,
And the name of the group was Three Rivers Barony;
And there came to see our Kingdom the Crowned Head of Meridees
Who consumed, among some other fiendish things,
A gallon of our finest mead.

Then up spoke king John to our sodden Uncle Steve;
Bravely said, "I'd extract a promise on this eve:
If you fight upon my side, then a triumph we'll achieve;
We'll drive the MidRealm's forces from our field,
Their shields and helms and guts we'll cleave.

"Well, I will give you silver, And I will give you gold,
And a member of the King's own Guard you'll surely be
If you'll fight against the side of the MidRealm enemy,
And lead the Southern side to victory...
And bring Three Rivers Barony!"

"There is only one condition," said the Baron to the King,
"And if it is fulfilled, then surely to your side I'll cling:
If the MidRealm force is larger than the one you Southrons bring,
I'll leave behind the MidRealm's raiding team,
My own Kingdom abandoning!"

They returned to their drink; not another word was said.
They consumed the roast beast, the soup, the cheese, the bread,
And enough more mead to loosen tongues or soften Iron Heads.
King John was smiling, slyly, hands outspread,
Picturing the win he coveted.

So we traveled to the South to go fight the Border Raid,
And we talked about the tactics of an ambuscade.
All the tents and banners present made it look like a Crusade.
The forces were drawn up in full array,
The Southern border to invade.

So we counted up our ranks, and to Stephen's great dismay
The MidRealm's force was larger than that from Meridies!
He was sworn to fight the MidRealm; King John's word he must obey!
He cursed the mead and wine consumed that day
That caused his loyalty to stray.

"AND your men," King John said, "They must follow where you lead!
With the men of your group, our numbers will exceed
The forces Moonwolf brought. Let the battle now proceed!
Master-Sargent Stephen now our force will lead.
Brother Moonwolf, why don't you concede?"

"WAIT A MINUTE!" shouted Arwyn, "All these fighters are not his!
These men come from the Horde, and I'd surely be remiss
If I let them follow Ironhand -- that dreaded Nemesis --
He'd lead them to their deaths through carelessness
Or lose them in some foul abyss!"

Then up shouted Brom, always ready for a fight --
"In the MidRealm do I live, and with them I'll kill and smite!"
"So will I!" cried Hlodowechssun. "Even though it may be trite,
I'll stike the Quisling Baron with delight!"
Cried Atackq'vix the Impolite.

"Though I'm not yet of the Horde," mused young Chepe L'Oragere,
"I'm not quite as stupid as I may appear!
I would rather lend my sword to the side that's sure to win,
So to the MidRealm squad I'll volunteer---
I'll not act like a mutineer!"

So then up spoke King John, and his eyes twinkled with glee.
"There's two squires here, Lord Stephen-- bring them to our company!
Squire Lothan fights with us by our Most Royal Decree.
We've heard of Squire Bellwood's Chivalry;
He needs some notoriety!"

Then Lord William turned quite red, and Lord William got quite mad.
"Even though treachery now seems to be the fad,
I will disobey the Baron (even though he calls me 'cad')--
I'll not forsake my MidRealm loyalty,
Like some poor sheep from Trinidad!"

Master Moonwolf raised his voice, and these were the words he said:
"Traitor Baron of Three Rivers, I will see you dead!
HEAR YE THIS: I'll give some beer and my praise unlimited
To the man among our fighters talented
Who brings to me this Traitor's head"!

Then the Raid did commence, 'midst much shouting thru the trees.
Up the road went our King to begin the rivalry.
Many deaths did then occur, but the one neccessity
Was to find the Traitor Baron rapidly,
To finish off his treachery!

Now the moral of my story, (please listen while I sing)
Is to never trust Lambrusco, a Baron or a King!
And the Traitor paid the price of his drunken perjuring --
We tied him up and left him quivering,
The Baron we all call Quisling!

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