Brummbar went to a wedding, looking for some men to slay,
He was feeling mean, he was gonna cream anyone who got in his way.
When he came across Stephen of Norfolk, doin' some sparring and doin' it hot,
So Brummbar jumps up on a hickory stump and says, "Boy, let me tell you what."
I guess you didn't know it, but I'm a sword-and shieldman too.
If you're not scared of Herr Brummbar, I'll have a fight with you.
Now you're a pretty good swordsman, boy, but give the Warlord his due.
Bet a bottle of wine, and that's just fine, 'cause I know I'm better than you.
So he says, "My name's Stephen, and I'm just an old man.
I hop you won't hit me too hard, but I'll fight the best I can."
Stephen, you duct-tape up your sword and straighten up your pose,
Cause Brummbar's in his leather and he ain't a-pulling blows.
And if you win you get yourself a bottle for tonight,
But if you lose, this is your last fight!
Brummbar snapped his visor shut, said, "I'll start this fight with flair,"
And fire flew from the end of his sword as he slashed it through the air.
And he slapped his sword across his shield, and it made a thunderclap,
While all the crowd was saying that Stephen was a sap.
Stephen said, "Well, Warlord, you're good for one so young.
But get your shield ready now, I'll show you how it's done!"
Rattan a-flashing, Stephen struck;
Brummbar staggered, the crowd said "Fuck!"
Brummbar fell with a leathery thud,
And Stephen sighed, "Another pud."
Herr Brummbar doffed his helm because he knew that he was beat, (alternate: dead)
And he laid that fine Lambrusco on the ground at Stephen's feet. (alternate: upside Stephen's head)
Stephen said, "Just come on back if you ever want to fight again,
But I'll tell you once, you leather freak, I'll cave your helmet in!"
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