Words: Mikal Hrafspa (Mikal the Ram)
There is a little literary note to this. In the history of Norse skalds, or master poets, there was a particular skald who angered a king. The name of the poet was lost in time, but some authors say he was Eric, others say it was Egil. In any case, his head was on the line, so he composed a poem to bribe the king into not executing him. This poem was composed to complete my own advancement to Olave in the College of Bards. Several of my circle swore to do great physical harm if I did not pass. The worst part of it for me was to memorize the required history of Calontir in such a way that it made sense. This is what resulted.
A BARD, OR so they tell me, should know a few good tales,
poem or two, perhaps a song, and perform them without fail.
It's not enough," they tell me, "You should know some history.
You live and work in Calontir, can you name it's Baronies?"
There's THREE RIVERS, I can think of, and the famous COER D' ENNUI,
VATAVIA, and LONELY TOWER, and my home FORGOTTEN SEA.
But they're makin' me to memorize the Kings of Calontir!
And the reasons that they give me are not so very clear;
The list's too long, there is no song, I'm bound to fail I fear,
There's no good way to memorize the Kings of Calontir!
So they smile and tell me, "You must think you're quite a bard,
So name us all the warlords, unless it seems to hard!"
There's BRUMBAR, he was first,
Then TERNON took the band, RUMBAR again, (we miss him!),
Then CHEPE held the land.
HUMPK was our final warlord, Or was he WILLIAM yet?)
And wasn't CHRISTOPHER in there,
Or did we just forget?
But they're makin' me to memorize the Kings of Calontir!
And the reasons that they give me are not so very clear;
The list's too long, there is no song, I'm bound to fail I fear,
There's no good way to memorize the Kings of Calontir!
Then they smiled and tell me, "Tis a pleasure to behold,
A bard who has such knowledge of the golden days of old.
But can you name the princes, or would you be so bold?"
TERNON and GHLEANA were the first to hold the crown,
Then HUMPK and MAMMARA had their first go around.
BRUMBAR and VALMAI, (we miss the bear some more),
Once more HUMPK and MAMMARA, just as we said before.
CIRE and ELISABETH, they round out our list.
Please tell me is that all is there anyone I missed?
So they smiled and nodded. "We've a proper File' here.
To make yourself an Olave, name the Kings of Calontir!
They're makin' me to memorize the Kings of Calontir!
And the reasons that they give me are now so very clear;
The list's too long, there is no song, I'm bound to fail I fear,
There's no good way to memorize the Kings of Calontir!
There must be a way to do it, now I think I see;
If there is no tune, then do it mnemonically!
CASE WMEE AMGH WMVS (Case with me am guy William verses)
BLZ SAVI TFGH RBCC (Tables savvy tough guy ribbyk)
M (Rum!)
There was:
CHEPE and ARWYN, SHADAN and ERZEBET,
WILLIAM and MAMMARA, EDWARD and ELIZABETH,
ASGEIR and MERRIAM, GABRIEL and HYWELA,
WILLIAM and MAMMARA once more take the crowna,
Then pass it ona, to VALENS and SUSANNA,
THORVALD and BRANWYN, LORELL and ZENOBIA,
SHADAN and ALIX, THEN VOLKMAR and ISADORA,
TOMEEKE and FIONA,
GABRIEL and HYWELA, ODERICK and BRADEN, CONN and CADFAEL, (ah,)
And RORICK and MORGANA.
Sure, it sounds impressive,
And I won't admit you're wrong.
But it's always getting longer, and it won't fit any song.
Please help us with this problem,
And keep the bards in mind;
From here on in Crown Tourney, make sure the winners rhyme!
For they're makin' us to memorize the Kings of Calontir!
And the reasons that they give us are not so very clear;
The list's too long, there is no song, we're bound to fail I fear,
There's no damn way to memorize the Kings of Calontir!